How talking about sex changed our relationship
And how it strenghten it
2/26/20262 min read
My partner and I had been together for several years, and our sex life had become very predictable.
It wasn't bad. We were affectionate, we knew each other well and we had a few things that we both enjoyed. But after a while, I started feeling that we were repeating the same experience almost as a routine.
I wanted more variety, but I didn't really know how to bring it up.
Suggesting something different usually generated hesitation in my partner and slowly made me stop making suggestions.
For a period I was wondering whether we simply wanted different things sexually but with my coach I was encouraged to think about how we actually communicated about intimacy. I realised that most of our conversations about sex happened when one of us wanted it and the other was either interested or not.
We almost never talked about sex at any other time, or at least not in a way that involved also our intimacy.
One evening I decided to bring it up while we were wathing tv. I explained that I realised the paradox of how weird it can be sometimes to talk about new sex preferences meanwhile it is very easy to talk about new food preferences, or strange reels that captured the attention.
My partner alsosaid that she wanted to explore different things but had been worried that suggesting something new might make me feel that our existing sex life wasn't satisfying.
It was strange to discover that we had both been keeping quiet for almost the same reason.
After that conversation, we began talking more openly about what we liked, what we were curious about and what we didn't particularly enjoy.
We agreed that mentioning a fantasy or an idea didn't mean we had to act on it. Sometimes we would discuss something and decide it wasn't for us. Other times, a conversation would lead us to try something different together.
Not everything worked. A few experiences were awkward, and we occasionally ended up laughing about how much better an idea had sounded in our heads.
Our sex life still has its familiar routines, and sometimes that is exactly what we both want. The important difference is that we no longer assume we already know everything about each other.