Being productive made me forget how to enjoy intimacy
And also many other moments of my life
6/17/20262 min read
One Sunday afternoon, I sat down with a book and caught myself calculating how many pages I could finish before dinner.
It was a novel I had chosen for fun. Nobody needed me to finish it. Still, I transformed it into a task.
I was like that with most things. I liked being reliable at work and getting through everything on my list. Even my days off had a plan, and I would feel vaguely disappointed if I hadn't made good use of them.
Sex had become another thing I wanted to do well.
I paid attention to my partner's reactions and worried about whether they were enjoying themselves. That sounds considerate, and some of it was. But I was so busy checking how things were going that I often barely noticed my own experience.
Afterwards, I sometimes felt relieved. That was the part I found difficult to explain during coaching.
We talked about how I spent my time, including the things I called relaxing. I noticed how often I explained an activity through its benefits. Exercise kept me healthy. Reading taught me something. Seeing friends was important for maintaining relationships.
There wasn't much I did just because I liked it.
I began trying a few things without setting myself a target. One evening I listened to an album on the sofa. I kept thinking I should at least fold the laundry while I was there, but I left it.
Another time, I cooked something that took far longer than my usual dinner. I enjoyed tasting it as I went along. I put some music on and danced a bit while I waited for the oven.
None of this felt particularly significant at the time.
With my partner, I started being more honest about how distracted I could get. They told me there were moments when I seemed to be concentrating very hard, and they hadn't known why.
We began leaving more time for being together without deciding in advance what we were going to do. Sometimes we had sex. Sometimes we talked, kissed for a while or fell asleep.
I found myself noticing little things again, like how much I enjoyed a particular touch. I became more comfortable asking for it to continue instead of assuming we needed to move on. And my orgasms also became more intense and deep in those situations.
I still have busy weeks when this is difficult. My phone ends up beside the bed, and my mind wanders back to work.
But recently my partner asked what I felt like doing, and I answered without first trying to work out what would make it a good evening for both of us. I knew what I would enjoy, and I felt comfortable saying it.